WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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