i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
