Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
