My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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