Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
