her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
