When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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