so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
