There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
