you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
