New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How does it feel to date your dad?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
