My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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