I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
