We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
