Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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