I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
