When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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