New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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