dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you traded sex for a burrito?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
did i just pee glitter
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
