I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
