Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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