**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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