he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
