If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
