I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
