I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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