And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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