maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
