I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
