I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
