sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
