he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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