Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
