life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
false alarm, still single
Randomize
