I accidentally burped into my bong.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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