did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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