guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
