Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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