I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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