Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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