I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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