Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
