She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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