No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
