Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
