My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
