i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.