Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
