I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
