the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
