Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I understand Curling. That high.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
