I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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