I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
