It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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