she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
