Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
