Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
