Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
