i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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