guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
